Archive for the ‘love’ Category


How tired I am of this unbearable distance between us.
How I long for the toll of the recess bell.
Have you forgotten me? Grown mindless of me?
Tell me I am not writing into an abyss.
Or that is what will become of my heart.

How I wish I can write like that. Sigh. Still busy even when I’m on vacay. Well, Happy Holidays! And good luck with your Christmas wishes. Mine’s kick-ass btw.


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Forgive me for I became stagnant for the past few weeks. Had issues with my schedule and started going to the gym, so it pretty much ate most of my time. Lately I figured out that the “girl” I usually speak of in my previous entries didn’t make my heart beat, it was nothing but a hallucination so realistic that my body believes it. Or something really close to that. So I made the top ten things why I do not need a girlfriend/special someone.



10. I am busy- tight schedule, gym, school works and (the guts to have) a plan to join the choir.

9. My wallet is on a diet.

8. I have a good number of female friends that she may (and will) be jealous of.

7. I am lazy.

6. I have issues with trust. I doubt every second I am with her.

5. I do not need another mother who watches over me.

4. I have enough inspiration- don’t want more than what I can handle.

3. I don’t want any more heartbreak.

2. I am happy; I don’t see any need for it- I am perfectly alone.

1. I am psychic. I can see the end before we even begin.

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This is one of the rare moments that I love her. This, if finished, would be the third blog about love. I have never imagined myself getting married; it’s alien for me. It may have crossed my mind once or twice but it had never stayed long enough for me to create fantasies. Maybe this is because I’m a guy.

Just like a star across my sky. Here’s my why-I-should-stop-seeing-her list:

1. She stays up ‘til morning; I, on the other hand, would sleep every time I can
2. She curses twice as much as I do
3. She punches me everyday- ongoing physical danger and she seems to enjoy my pain
4. Her ex, much like mine, is OMG-good-looking but without a doubt an asshole
5. She LOVES High School Musical which I cannot watch without throwing up
6. And she’s absolutely ruining my life

And on the why-I-should-keep-on-seeing-her list:

I’m absolutely, without a doubt, positively, indubitably in love with her

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I’m suddenly in the mood tonight. It may be silent
But it speaks to me and left a smile across my face
I had never talked to you like this for some time,
but you can still make me laugh.

You’re a bright star on a deep black, blank wall in the sky
And your voice is singing in my heart lively;
I do not believe I am in love with you.
Not anymore at least. Love is inept and funny
But still inept. I have to get some sleep now.
I’m still young, for now.

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October 25

It’s currently 12:21 according to my laptop’s clock. I’ve been nocturnal for a week now. The sweet fulfilling feeling of sleeping at 11 o’clock is now gone. I suddenly feel melancholic; I missed the party of the semester and I’m not getting over it easily. Suddenly melancholic- amazes me how two words can perfectly describe the undefined and intangible. Suddenly melancholic- ha! Amazing how this awkward feeling of mine finds its perfect description. It’s not love I am sure. It is obviously not it. I know and accept the fact that I sometimes absolutely love her, and she (kinda) loves me too in her own unskillful way. But this time, I don’t feel my love for her; the proverbial butterflies in my stomach suddenly died. This is one of the ineptness of mine. I probably am bipolar- she tells me that. Maybe, I really am… maybe. I have anger management problems- I shake and feel the devil in me, the animal. The cold breeze blows from the east, or at least what I believe is the east, and yet my hands and feet are still sweaty as if I am on a humid summer day. These songs from the Watchmen perfectly fit me.  Nat King Cole- never thought in my entire life that in one gloomy evening I would be listening to his song, Unforgettable. I never thought in my entire life that I’ll find the internet, my so-called escape shelter (I am obviously losing my words now), empty. The once lively network seemed to be a virtual ghost town for me; abandoned for reasons never would be shared to the world. This funny emotion you see is mine. And apparently mine alone. This shall stay that way. The virtual ghost town had led me into a blank page, a page I use exclusively for academic purposes, had been my salvation in this gloomy evening.

Hallelujah! Leonard Cohen’s now playing. Hallelujah! I am still amazed by this juvenile feeling of mine had taken over me. I am helpless against it. Anzaldua’s shadow beast had suddenly crossed my mine. Maybe this is my shadow beast, one that is not afraid to take orders, but one who is afraid not to be able to follow. I am a control freak. I want everything to be in accordance to my will. And in return, I too shall be in accordance to the will of someone higher than me. That is what I always mean when I say I have unacceptable beliefs in life.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I come to talk to you again. The silence of the night talks to me in the loudest voice I have ever heard. The loneliness I am feeling might be mistaken or be stereotyped as emo, emotional. But I am not, I am happy. Darkness was my past; I try to live my life as colorful as I can paint it. Fate, just like love, is always present but most of the time is ignored. I believe that there is a plan for all of us; but just like every spy with cyanide stuck in his cheek on every James Bond movie; we have the final say on how our mission shall end. And as of now, my sudden melancholic stage is my climax. Suicide, only assholes think of those. It is outlandish. Or maybe it is not anymore. Maybe people have become desperate enough to think that it is part of our daily life. Maybe the weather. Maybe the mind. Or maybe, you’re just an asshole. I am neither a hater nor a troll. I, too, became an asshole; I believe most of us did. I tried to slit my wrist, but I am not brave enough for that. That was my past, my darkness.

Amazing how I associate darkness with my past, when it is not even dawn. But I am optimistic enough that life would turn out to be good or at least something like that. Writing had never felt this good, great even. There might be a lot of flaws in this uh, thing-a-ma-jing. I am probably and more likely to be in love, but again, not now. Not now. She beats inside my heart even if she is the exact opposite of me. Or maybe not. But the point is we are absolutely not the same. She is a punk; I am a happy-go-lucky nerd. She’s sporty, or she claims to be; I am not, I told you, I am a nerd. I am part of the somehow “more acceptable” version of the nerds. I play pretty well with most of the sports that I know. She doesn’t eat vegetables while I crave for some heavenly salad. She likes RnB, I like underground songs that she hates. I have no single idea what I liked about her. And she is absolutely not pretty. And me, I am far from good-looking.

Suddenly relieved- ha! Writing had really never felt this good. It’s currently 1 in the morning. Only proves I still am nocturnal. I suddenly missed high school; and yes their childish acts too. Their sudden burst of laughter, though nothing seems to be funny- something I long for during my stay in college. I always have been childish in high school, childish in a different way than theirs. I know my limits. Maybe, I would read this thing-a-ma-jing in the future and still find me childish.

I try to be deep, I tried hard enough. But these sudden changes, mood changes of mine are what make me. I already feel good now. No use of rereading and checking for flaws. This had served its purpose.

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