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Archive for October, 2009

I really don’t have enough to say but I feel the need to write something, so here goes. Halloween, I never felt its presence as I child if it wasn’t for the scary shows shown on TV every October 31st. I can clearly remember watching the scary episode of MMK and apparently it is still shown up to know. And I still refuse to watch it again. I have only seen it once and never in my life I’m going to watch that again. I can deal with throat-slashing, flesh-eating, bone-breaking psycho-maniac monsters and other gory & scary stuff. Ghosts aren’t that hard to watch too, all you have to deal with is a week-long paranoia after watching it. I can watch all this sh*ts including Blair Witch Project, The Ring, Shutter and probably the infamous Paranormal Activity. What I cannot stand watching are the films dealing with hell and evils that came straight from it. I was only able to watch The Exorcist when I was with my 40 something friends. The Exorcism of Emily Rose is too creepy for me and Drag Me To Hell gave me the creeps for 2 weeks or something. I do not know what is up with those but it freaks the hell out of me. All right, that’s enough. We’re going to Bulacan tomorrow; Imma leave my laptop. Happy Halloween everyone! 😀

My aunt just asked me if I want a Wii for Christmas; of course I said NO. I’ll explain everything on my next post.

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Alright, so I got my grades now. I passed all of my courses; my lowest is 2.75- meaning walang tres! Oh yes! But the sad part is, I’m .15 away from being a dean’s list-er. Oh com’on! If those (Zoo Lec) quizzes we’re wee-bit easier, Imma have 1.75 as my average. But noooo! What bothers me is that I got 1.5 for Softball?! Oh com’on! I’m like the best baseman in the class! Dudde. That is so effin’ unfaaaaair! I feel a little bitter with my Math grade though. It should be 1.0 if I answered those exams seriously. Anyway, I’m still thankful. Oh God, thank you! Gotta study harder then! Good Night folks!

BTW, had a great day today with SMS! Oh yes. You guys should drink more though. Haha!

HERE’S MY GRADES:

grades

You have no idea who I am, so no worries.

UPDATE: I recomputed my grade using my limited knowledge in math and found out that I’m actually 0.07 away from being a deans lister.

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I’m in the brink of an abyss, but I figured out that I must stop with these “melancholic behavior” of mine. I’ll settle this after our break. I have this “divine” urge to post something religious. Words here aren’t well thought of, so spare me. A friend of mine, six grade classmate, had sent me this video thru Facebook. I’m not that religious. I want to be. I found myself few months back asking her “bakit ako magdadasal?” It’s not really meant to be a question; it was meant to be a joke. She keeps on bugging me about it till I got home. I really don’t think she knows what she was doing but till now I still am affected by that day. I want to become a Christian again.

Yes, people won’t read this because this is religious and stuff. But I don’t have stats to worry about. I am not Catholic; but I have been in a Catholic institution for five years now. And I still don’t want to become one. Don’t get me wrong, I have no grudge against them. It’s like me liking apples against pears. I am a Christian, born-again. I believe that no matter what on earth your religion is you’ll still be the same. I mean, com’on who are we to say that one religion is better than the other.

I remembered last week, it was finals week. I stayed up ‘til 3 in the morning every night(?). And every day of that week, before I go to my examination room I would always stop by the hospital chapel. I usually say brief prayers (I don’t pray the “common” prayers, I do personal) and of course ask for guidance in my exam. First day was theology and math. Math was easy for me since day 1. I failed my first quiz and then that was it. The most mistakes I got were 3.5 I think. But on that day, on that exam day, Theology was oh-so-easy and I failed Math. Then on the last review night, I was too stubborn to study and just chatted with friends. I tried to review on my way to school and got stuck in traffic for an hour. And then I went to the chapel, and ask God that “I know I didn’t study that well, but could you guide me?” I found the exam bearable, I wish the results were good. Tomorrow the results will be released we’ll see.

You see, I am not an atheist or anything. I do believe in God; I even came from a very religious family- we even have pastors and priest. But I do doubt sometimes. I mean, I have this idea that “what if there was no heaven or hell?” that “there’s a life (on earth) after death” I usually find my self falling into temptation and become guilty right after doing it. What’s worse is sometimes, I do not even feel guilty. It’s human I guess. But shouldn’t be an excuse.

She has a wooden cross around her neck. I want one in my heart.

Whoever read this blog, would be my witness.
I, from now on, am going to profess my faith.

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This is one of the rare moments that I love her. This, if finished, would be the third blog about love. I have never imagined myself getting married; it’s alien for me. It may have crossed my mind once or twice but it had never stayed long enough for me to create fantasies. Maybe this is because I’m a guy.

Just like a star across my sky. Here’s my why-I-should-stop-seeing-her list:

1. She stays up ‘til morning; I, on the other hand, would sleep every time I can
2. She curses twice as much as I do
3. She punches me everyday- ongoing physical danger and she seems to enjoy my pain
4. Her ex, much like mine, is OMG-good-looking but without a doubt an asshole
5. She LOVES High School Musical which I cannot watch without throwing up
6. And she’s absolutely ruining my life

And on the why-I-should-keep-on-seeing-her list:

I’m absolutely, without a doubt, positively, indubitably in love with her

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happy_face_www

I’m suddenly in the mood tonight. It may be silent
But it speaks to me and left a smile across my face
I had never talked to you like this for some time,
but you can still make me laugh.

You’re a bright star on a deep black, blank wall in the sky
And your voice is singing in my heart lively;
I do not believe I am in love with you.
Not anymore at least. Love is inept and funny
But still inept. I have to get some sleep now.
I’m still young, for now.

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October 25

It’s currently 12:21 according to my laptop’s clock. I’ve been nocturnal for a week now. The sweet fulfilling feeling of sleeping at 11 o’clock is now gone. I suddenly feel melancholic; I missed the party of the semester and I’m not getting over it easily. Suddenly melancholic- amazes me how two words can perfectly describe the undefined and intangible. Suddenly melancholic- ha! Amazing how this awkward feeling of mine finds its perfect description. It’s not love I am sure. It is obviously not it. I know and accept the fact that I sometimes absolutely love her, and she (kinda) loves me too in her own unskillful way. But this time, I don’t feel my love for her; the proverbial butterflies in my stomach suddenly died. This is one of the ineptness of mine. I probably am bipolar- she tells me that. Maybe, I really am… maybe. I have anger management problems- I shake and feel the devil in me, the animal. The cold breeze blows from the east, or at least what I believe is the east, and yet my hands and feet are still sweaty as if I am on a humid summer day. These songs from the Watchmen perfectly fit me.  Nat King Cole- never thought in my entire life that in one gloomy evening I would be listening to his song, Unforgettable. I never thought in my entire life that I’ll find the internet, my so-called escape shelter (I am obviously losing my words now), empty. The once lively network seemed to be a virtual ghost town for me; abandoned for reasons never would be shared to the world. This funny emotion you see is mine. And apparently mine alone. This shall stay that way. The virtual ghost town had led me into a blank page, a page I use exclusively for academic purposes, had been my salvation in this gloomy evening.

Hallelujah! Leonard Cohen’s now playing. Hallelujah! I am still amazed by this juvenile feeling of mine had taken over me. I am helpless against it. Anzaldua’s shadow beast had suddenly crossed my mine. Maybe this is my shadow beast, one that is not afraid to take orders, but one who is afraid not to be able to follow. I am a control freak. I want everything to be in accordance to my will. And in return, I too shall be in accordance to the will of someone higher than me. That is what I always mean when I say I have unacceptable beliefs in life.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I come to talk to you again. The silence of the night talks to me in the loudest voice I have ever heard. The loneliness I am feeling might be mistaken or be stereotyped as emo, emotional. But I am not, I am happy. Darkness was my past; I try to live my life as colorful as I can paint it. Fate, just like love, is always present but most of the time is ignored. I believe that there is a plan for all of us; but just like every spy with cyanide stuck in his cheek on every James Bond movie; we have the final say on how our mission shall end. And as of now, my sudden melancholic stage is my climax. Suicide, only assholes think of those. It is outlandish. Or maybe it is not anymore. Maybe people have become desperate enough to think that it is part of our daily life. Maybe the weather. Maybe the mind. Or maybe, you’re just an asshole. I am neither a hater nor a troll. I, too, became an asshole; I believe most of us did. I tried to slit my wrist, but I am not brave enough for that. That was my past, my darkness.

Amazing how I associate darkness with my past, when it is not even dawn. But I am optimistic enough that life would turn out to be good or at least something like that. Writing had never felt this good, great even. There might be a lot of flaws in this uh, thing-a-ma-jing. I am probably and more likely to be in love, but again, not now. Not now. She beats inside my heart even if she is the exact opposite of me. Or maybe not. But the point is we are absolutely not the same. She is a punk; I am a happy-go-lucky nerd. She’s sporty, or she claims to be; I am not, I told you, I am a nerd. I am part of the somehow “more acceptable” version of the nerds. I play pretty well with most of the sports that I know. She doesn’t eat vegetables while I crave for some heavenly salad. She likes RnB, I like underground songs that she hates. I have no single idea what I liked about her. And she is absolutely not pretty. And me, I am far from good-looking.

Suddenly relieved- ha! Writing had really never felt this good. It’s currently 1 in the morning. Only proves I still am nocturnal. I suddenly missed high school; and yes their childish acts too. Their sudden burst of laughter, though nothing seems to be funny- something I long for during my stay in college. I always have been childish in high school, childish in a different way than theirs. I know my limits. Maybe, I would read this thing-a-ma-jing in the future and still find me childish.

I try to be deep, I tried hard enough. But these sudden changes, mood changes of mine are what make me. I already feel good now. No use of rereading and checking for flaws. This had served its purpose.

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